1. Average faculty divorce or separation rate: Long hours at work can place stress on marriages. More divorces = more productivity.
2. Number of actual or threatened law suits by disgruntled faculty: Tenure denials to the marginally productive often lead to legal problems. The up and coming law school is one that is likely to be named as defendant.
3. Average pounds overweight: Hard workers have little time for exercise. The chubbier, the better.
4. Average pounds underweight: Disciplined people exercise regularly. The thinner, the better.
5. Beards per male faculty member: Smart serious people have beards. More beards = better law school.
6. Laughter: No laughing allowed on productive faculties.
7. Dancing (with or without stars): Serious scholars do not dance (or if they do, it is like Elaine on that episode of Seinfeld in which her dancing is so bad it is hard to watch).
8. Minutes per day examining USN & WR law school rankings: Lower the better for too many reasons to go into.
9. Average times per day per faculty member checking personal SSRN downloads. Lower the better.
10. Average number of professional hockey teams that the average faculty member can name, normalized by geographic region. The lower the better.
11. (The Star is not good with numbers.) Number of arrests for naked bongo playing. Lower is better unless you are in Austin, Texas.